… All hypothetically speaking, of course.
The best part of watching TV without a TV? Finding different ways to attack different televised events. Sure, we all know about the various bootlegged live streams of things that all of us can turn to from time to time, but when it comes to particularly important occurrences (i.e. the Super Bowl, the Grammy Awards, or, well, the Academy Awards), we can be exposed to the many — and trust me, there are many — different ways to view said events.
Enter tonight. Coming to you live and direct from Midtown Cinema (yes, one of those fantastic art houses that are wayyyyyyy too pretentious for any of us to actually ever watch a movie in) within the fine metropolis of Harrisburg, Pennsylvania (and by “fine,” of course, I mean “someone died of stab wounds to the chest down the street this morning”), I will be live blogging tonight’s events.
Yes. You are witnessing history. A live blogging first for not only this particular blog, but also quite possibly for (gasp!) the Frederick News-Post itself (if I am wrong, please don’t hesitate to leave a comment correcting me, and I will most certainly post the correction).
It’s true. Be prepared for four hours of commentary, pointless opinions and results that you most certainly can’t get anywhere else nearly as quick.
OK. That last part was a lie.
But in any case, welcome! Feel free to leave comments in the comments section aimed at telling me exactly how much of a talentless … ok … I can’t finish that sentence, though there is one particular emailer out there who may smile at that. Feel free to tell me how stupid I am. Feel free to add your own opinions to such a monumental evening.
And by “monumental” I mean … well … yeah.
Settle in. This could be fun.
7:43 – Nobody has looked better than Michelle Williams (that dress was fantastic). I have no idea why Tina Fey is there (though she is always welcome). If Chris Plummer loses, I may never watch another film again. And Colin Firth is still the second best Colin in the universe.
7:49 – Quick, before it starts. “The Artist.” Jean Dujardin over Clooney (though I disagree). Michel Hazanabicius (still disagree). Viola Davis (a few years too late, and Michelle Williams losing will literally make me get kicked out of this theater). Octavia Spencer. And Chris Plummer. Honestly. Chris Plummer.
7:55 – That dude is legendary?! Whoa. Ironically enough, I spent last night watching the second “Hangover.” Yes. I deducted five cool points from myself, too.
7:58 – Odds on tonight – 10-1 that I write something that ultimately gets me fired. 5-1 that “The Help” wins more than three awards. 2-1 that we see at least eight commercials for “The Bachelor.” 3-2 that we see the dog from “The Artist” do something funny. 8-1 that Billy Crystal doesn’t suck. 4-1 that everyone here wants to punch me in the lip because I am the dude with a laptop in the front corner of the theater. 4-1 that somebody text messages me about “Beginners” tonight. Even money that I don’t win with the ballot I just filled out for winners. 49-1 that Cameron Diaz is not nominated for anything next year. 6-1 that I come back to this theater in the next three weeks to see “Shame.”
8:10 – First highlighted comment of the night: “Nick Nolte looked about what my nightmare of what I will look like in 20 years looks like. If that makes sense. ” Via Mark Zeltner.
8:15 – Highlighted comment No. 2: “Wow. Is it me or does Glenn Close look old lady hot?” Via Mark Zeltner. Honestly – that one made me laugh out loud.
8:18 – Honestly. Is there a cooler person in this world aside from George Clooney?
8:23 – Fact: Every time I have seen the trailer for “Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close” in a movie theater, I have wept like a child. Fact: I will never, ever, ever see “Extremely Loud And Incredibly Close” in its entirety.
8:26 – What is this “GCB” thing? Chris Benoit’s new finishing move?
8:28 – First. What in the name of Larry Crowne is Tom Hanks doing with facial hair? Second. Some dude who looks exactly like Leonard Cohen is sitting directly behind me. He is cooler than I will ever be.
8:30 – The “oohs” and “ahhs” for who won the trivia contest as the answers were read resembled that of a BINGO hall. As a side – Chris Rock has hair?! Let’s go.
8:32 – Whoa. Wait. Billy Crystal was in “The Bucket List?”
8:45 – “The Chapter 11 Theater.” That’s funny, friends. A completely tone-perfect opening. Give him the job every year.
8:48 – Why is Kris Kristofferson winning an award for “Hugo?” And why didn’t he sing “Sunday Mornin’ Comin’ Down?”
8:50 – Highlighted comment No. 3 (dude is killin it tonight!): “A homeless person just won an oscar.” via, you know who.
8:53 – Most true comment of the night so far: The writers are hitting their demographic, and that’s old. “The Your Name Here Theater,” by the way, still funny.
9:00 – The mean streets of Niagara Falls, huh? More important: Why didn’t anyone tell me Mia Wasikowska was in “Albert Nobbs?” UPDATE – Odds are now 90-1 that Cameron Diaz wins an Oscar next year.
9:05 – Do you know what they are doing a darn good job of doing so far this year? Reminding us of why we like movies. Say what you want, but that’s a smart thing to do, and the people behind this are doing a good job at doing that, whatever “that” is. PS – Someone just said that Brad Pitt is now trying to be Jeff Bridges. And I think he is right.
9:07 – Great and highlighted comment No. 4: “Adam Sandler talks about Sean Connery’s chest hair. I have never liked him more. In fact, this the first time I have liked him at all.”
9:12 – “A Separation.” No contest.
9:20 – Octavia Spencer. 1-for-1. That’s as good an acceptance speech as you will see all night. A powerful woman. A powerful movie. Yes. I am welling up. A standing ovation? Tears.
9:25 – Highlighted comment No. 5, from an editor of mine over at Popmatters: “Octavia Spencer wins for a real performance in a real film. Meanwhile, Tyler Perry sits at home, seething with rage.” @SawdEye.
9:30 – Somebody yelled “Go Away” while seeing the dudes from “Hugo” winning an award. Secondly, I am sure my dear friends Frank and Tyler would be very happy that “The Girl With … ” is cleaning up. Third, I think I am perfect on my ballot so far. Fourth, Tina Fey is smarter and funnier than anyone I’ll ever know. And fifth – the highlighted comment No. 6 (from Ms. Mlot, who I really hope is having a good evening herself): “A Chris Guest mini-movie during the Oscars … Beat that, life..”
9:45 – IN ALL CAPS: “I PICKED UNDEFEATED!!!!” No, really. I did. Hopefully, I win the 7 dollar gift basket. Ut oh. And he cussed, didn’t he?
9:50 – You see, Chris Rock is still funny. Yes. Still funny. Forget “Death At A Funeral” and remember that he is funny. And, because I know it means a lot to him and that J-School out there (highlighted comment No. 7) – “Undefeated co-director is Mizzou grad. Just saying.”
9:59 – There is honetly no reason you shouldn’t have a crush on Emma Stone. In a related story, “Tropic Thunder” is still funnier than you give it credit for.
10:03 – As @filliamhmuffman said, “Sometimes these things actually work. Thank you, Emma Stone.” And as @SawdEye said, “Dear GOD Emma Stone is awesome.”
10:09 – Yes, in case you were wondering, I am surrounded by a group of people who bought a bottle of champagne for when Christopher Plummer won this award. It is quite literally one of the 10 best films I’ve ever seen, and if you get nothing from having a glance at this silly live blog, I want you to go out tonight or tomorrow and rent “Beginners.” One of my favorite acceptance speeches ever, and quite literally one of the most deserving awards I’ve ever seen given. Side: The standing ovation brought tears to my eyes and yes, I stood up myself in a theater filled with people to give that man a standing ovation. People followed. Watch that movie.
10:15 – I just can’t get over Owen Wilson’s nose. Sorry.
10:18 – Yes. The music for “The Artist” shoud have won. And it was touching. And when I saw Zach and Will were coming out, I yelled “Oh God.” Yes. A lot of people laughed. This won’t be funny.
10:20 – I do believe this: “Oscar winner for best score proves it never hurts to rip off Bernard Hermann’s score for Vertigo. BS.” Highlighted comment No. 8.
10:30 – I was just yelled at for clapping for “The Ides Of March.” This makes me sad. Alexander Payne is still pretty much fabulous.
10:32 – If Woody Allen wins, I will run through this theater naked anthat will be the end of this blog.
10:23 – Oh wow. My bad. I guess I can’t do that. There is one particular person who just told me I can’t do that. So I won’t. Still. That was most definitey well-deserved. “Midnight In Paris.” Brilliant. Watch it tonight. I don’t use that word easily. Brilliant
10:40 – Who doesn’t understand this? Women are funnier than men.
10:43 – First. Seeing Elle Kemper on an Oscar stage makes me so happy with the way the world is. Period. Secondly, again – women are funnier than men. They are smarter. They are also funnier. There is no doubt about this.
10:50 – I literally just said very loudly in this theater: “I am three for three …” Fill it in however you like. Here is a hint. The word started with an “M.”
11:03 – Comment No. 9 – “The Artist director wins best director. Surprised but not shocked. Please write a speech. U only have 30 million viewers.” I truly do agree with this. You got one shot. Stop taling about things that aren’t important. As a side: Did anyone else get up and dance during Peter Gabriel’s “In Your Eyes?”
11:07 – Now for the most important part of my dear, dear friend Tyler’s night: The memorial.
11:15 – Patton Oswalt on the montage? That’s what’s up. And so true. Look that up friends. Ms. Spalding. Wow. By the way. Wow.
11:23 – Wow. I literally just caused two separtate scenes in this theater. Neverind. So … Clooney didn’t win tonight. Yes, he will never win, and that makes me sad. By the way. How smart do I look right now? Anyways, sad, yet, happy.
11:28 – Honestly – This is the most brilliant moment of my life. Pathetic, indeed. Come on, Michelle, though I got you, Viola.
11:45 – I’m OK with this. I wil now go home and watch “Forget Paris.”