Superlatives for the 2014 Met Gala

by Michael Hunley. 0 Comments

I don’t really know much about the Met Gala — just that it’s an annual fundraising event where celebrities get together and look as awful as possible. The theme of this year’s event was “Charles James: Beyond Fashion,” though, upon looking at these photos from the Associated Press, I think “The Effect of Bath Salts on Fashion” would have been more appropriate.

So I present to you the awards for the most memorable looks of the night, because when a celebrity comes out in public wearing these bedazzled disasters (bedazzsters?), oh, you know Imma have to make fun of them:

DONATELLA VERSACE

Donatella Versace

Winner of the “If Voldemort Competed on ‘RuPaul’s Drag Race'” Award.

BRIE LARSON

Brie Larson

Best Interpretation of the Movie “Xanadu” Through A Different Medium — Category: Costume.

KRISTEN STEWART

Kristen Stewart

The “If Hot Topic Made Prom Dresses” Dress.

MAGGIE GYLLENHAAL

Maggie Gyllenhaal

Dress most likely to cause Donnie Osmond to break out his old “Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat” wig and belt out “Give Me My Colored Coat.”

JOHNNY DEPP

Johnny Depp, Amber Heard

Most likely to influence Tim Burton to direct “Mr. Peanut: The Movie.”

RITA ORA

Rita Ora

The winner of the Drunkest Ballerina Prostitute Prize.

HUGH JACKMAN AND HIS WIFE, DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS

Hugh Jackman, Deborra-Lee Furness

Best Beard … if you know what I mean … .

KIRSTEN DUNST

Kirsten Dunst

Best Use of the Wallpaper I Had In My Bedroom When I Was 6-Years-Old.

SOLANGE KNOWLES

Solange Knowles

The Shady Pines Award for Best Dress Color Most Likely Influenced by an Episode of “The Golden Girls.”

IDINA MENZEL

Idina Menzel

The Adele Dazeem Lifetime Achievement Prize for the murder of Big Bird’s albino cousin to make the hem of that dress.

NAOMI CAMPBELL

Naomi Campbell

Best Use of Miss Piggy’s dog Foo Foo as Water Wings.

SANDRA LEE

Sandra Lee

The prestigious How Did She Get Invited? certificate goes to celebrity chef Sandra Lee, who accepted her award dressed as the Swiss Miss girl in a wedding dress that she did NOT need to say yes to.

KATIE HOLMES

Katie Holmes

The “Is … Is That Blood? Or Chocolate? What IS That?” prize goes to whatever is on Katie Holmes’ dress.

MICHELLE WILLIAMS

Michelle Williams

The Cher Horowitz Memorial Prize for Best Full-On Monet Dress.

VICTORIA BECKHAM

Victoria Beckham

The “Wait, Is That Pacey from ‘Dawson’s Creek’ In the Background?!” Award.

BRADLEY COOPER

Bradley Cooper

Best use of Bradley Cooper as Luciano Pavarotti in the upcoming biopic “The Three Tenors: The Sexy Years.”

ERYKAH BADU

Erykah Badu

The “Don’t Come For Me, Pharrell” Prize for Best Hat.

MARY-KATE AND ASHLEY OLSEN

Mary-Kate Olsen, Ashley Olsen

The Shadow Demons from “Ghost” Award goes to these outfits the Olsen twins will most likely wear as they drag your soul to the afterlife.

DAVID BURTKA AND NEIL PATRICK HARRIS

Neil Patrick Harris, David Burtka

Most Emo, Smuggest Circus Ringmasters in All the Land.

SARAH JESSICA PARKER

Sarah Jessica Parker

Dress I Most Want to Play Tic-Tac-Toe On.

JANELLE MONAE

Janelle Monae

The “Monae, You In Danger, Girl” Award, because look out, Andre Leon Talley is coming for that cape.

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