For the first time in my life … wait for it … I wasn’t able to watch something that I wanted to watch — the 64th Primetime Emmy Awards ceremony Sunday on ABC — live on the Internet. This, friends, angered me to no end. For 45 minutes, I slaved over a computer screen, coming across nothing more than dead links, pay-for-play packages and simple, outright irrelevant-to-the-matter-at-hand websites that presumably would have driven a lesser man to drive a car into a brick wall at full speed. By a quarter to nine, I was done. No Emmy telecast for me this year. And no hope for the future of having TV Without A TV.
The only saving grace for the night? In a battle that came down to the third-to-last award of the night — best miniseries or movie — it was I, the man who would have driven a car into a brick wall at full speed (had I happened to have a car at my disposal), who won the friendly bet that put TV Without A TV against Pop Goes The Culture, thus ensuring a post to come to this blog sometime within the next month that promises to feature Mr. Michael Hunley’s response to being forced to watch Katy Perry’s soon-to-be-Oscar-nominated “Part Of Me.”
That said, our final tallies were both fairly embarrassing. Or, in other words, if you placed bets based on our picks, you would have lost. A lot. A whole lot.
5-4 was the score. Remember: We took a shot at 11 categories. Five out of 11 … well, five out of 11 is bad. But honestly — there isn’t enough 100 dollar bills in the world to get me to think that Jon Cryer was the smart choice for comedy lead actor, or “Mad Men” would ever set a record for number of losses in one year (17).
And, that’s about it. I heard Amy Poehler had a pretty funny moment with Julia Louis-Dreyfus when the latter won for her work on HBO’s “Veep” (side: What do I do after I figure out that watching the trophy show was a hopeless cause? Watch the final season of “The New Adventures of Old Christine.” Take that, Internet). I also know Ricky Gervais showed up, Aaron Paul continued being utterly likeable in any and every thing he does, and Jimmy Kimmel was pretty Jimmy Kimmel-ish, which to me, really isn’t all that much of a good thing, anyway.
It shoots sharp pains into my bones to think that I can’t comment on all that happened, even after I waited a full day to see if any clips could be found online. It was a sad, sad night for Internet television, really. Sighs were breathed. Expletives were tweeted. And now all I have left is the hope that I will one day dry my tears with copies of Michael’s essay about someone who wrote a song called “Teenage Dream.”
As for the here and now, below are this year’s winners. In bold are the picks I made correctly. Now, if you could please excuse me as I contemplate how fast I can get DVDs of “Homeland” to ship from Amazon.com.
— Drama Series: “Homeland,” Showtime.
— Actress, Drama Series: Claire Danes, “Homeland,” Showtime.
— Actor, Drama Series: Damian Lewis, “Homeland,” Showtime.
— Supporting Actor, Drama Series: Aaron Paul, “Breaking Bad,” AMC.
— Supporting Actress, Drama Series: Maggie Smith, “Downton Abbey,” PBS.
— Writing, Drama Series: Alex Gansa, Howard Gordon, Gideon Raff, “Homeland,” Showtime.
— Directing, Drama Series: Tim Van Patten, “Boardwalk Empire,” HBO.
— Comedy Series: “Modern Family,” ABC.
— Actor, Comedy Series: Jon Cryer, “Two and a Half Men,” CBS.
— Actress, Comedy Series: Julia Louis-Dreyfus, “Veep,” HBO.
— Supporting Actress, Comedy Series: Julie Bowen, “Modern Family,” ABC.
— Supporting Actor, Comedy Series: Eric Stonestreet, “Modern Family,” ABC.
— Writing, Comedy Series: Louis C.K, “Louie,” FX Networks.
— Directing, Comedy Series: Steven Levitan, “Modern Family,” ABC.
— Miniseries or Movie: “Game Change,” HBO.
— Actress, Miniseries or Movie: Julianne Moore, “Game Change,” HBO.
— Actor, Miniseries or Movie: Kevin Costner, “Hatfields & McCoys,” History.
— Supporting Actress, Miniseries or Movie: Jessica Lange, “American Horror Story,” FX Networks.
— Supporting Actor, Miniseries or Movie: Tom Berenger, “Hatfields & McCoys,” History.
— Directing, Miniseries, Movie or Dramatic Special: Jay Roach, “Game Change,” HBO.
— Writing, Miniseries, Movie or Dramatic Special: Danny Strong, “Game Change,” HBO.
— Reality-Competition Program: “The Amazing Race,” CBS.
— Host, Reality-Competition Program: Tom Bergeron, “Dancing With the Stars,” ABC.
— Variety, Music or Comedy Series: “The Daily Show With Jon Stewart,” Comedy Central.
— Writing for a Variety Special: Louis C.K., “Louis C.K. Live at the Beacon Theatre,” FX Networks.
— Directing, Variety, Music or Comedy Special: Glenn Weiss, 65th Annual Tony Awards, CBS.