The gay mafia

by Jack Gayer. 0 Comments

America has a new Don Corleone and with him comes a new criminal syndicate. They’re administering their particular brand of destruction with neither bullets nor beatings. They’re not tempted by money, property, or any conventional means of status or power. But they may be America's gravest threat as they’re ripping up the moral fabric of this country right out from underneath our feet. They want the most fearsome thing of all, equality, and they will stop at nothing to get it.

The identity of this don is unknown but what is known is there allegiance, they are the Gay Mafia. We would still be in the dark to this threat if it wasn't for one fearless man: Rush Limbaugh, who recently disclosed the existence of this mafia and the world was rendered mute with fear.

According to Limbaugh this mafia has "inflected the fear of death, political death in the Republican party." While the reports have yet to roll in on burning rainbow flags left on lawns, we can only assume it’s a matter of time. After all, if "marriage is only a slippery slide towards bestiality" as some astute observers have reported on their hand held signs, what aren't they capable of?

America has enjoyed a lengthy history of denying homosexuals the basic liberties that most citizens enjoy, i.e. holding hands without fear of being left to die on to a fence post, or serving their country, but this proud tradition of oppression may soon be coming to an end. “Don’t ask, don’t tell” was repealed and homosexuality was removed from the DSM as a perversion. Yet this was a mere snack to whet this shark’s appetite. They’re after bigger game.

Ostensibly the group’s main plot is to marry one another. Fortunately America has many self-appointed custodians of all things family and bible related. The National Organization of Marriage, Florida Family Association and American Family Association have all worked tirelessly to insure that their beloved nation is not about to be beleaguered by acceptance. These proud organizations have gathered thousands of signatures to forward the cause of America staying in the past and never advancing towards some sort of moral “enlightened age.” Unfortunately their fight is up against powerful foes.

While not directly contributing to the Gay Mafia’s machinations, it is not without its inadvertent corporate sponsorship. The likes of Cheerios, Oreo, Levi's, Betty Crocker, American Apparel, Starbucks, Wheaties, Tide, Home Depot, Pampers, Pepsi, Safeway, Crest, J.C. Penny, Pillsbury, Ford, and Gap have either donated money to relevant causes or opposed marriage amendments. The mafia's far reach apparently extends to the courts as well with ACLU sweethearts and famous funeral crashers, the Wesboro Baptist Church being dealt a painful blow with a ruling to "dismiss a lawsuit by the congregation."

What's next? Will the Gay Panic Defense disappear into the ether? How will frightened heterosexuals protect themselves then? What about the whistle-blower, will he be forced to abscond from his homeland? Perhaps Limbaugh would be more comfortable living in Russia where the Gay Mafia wouldn't stand a chance against the angry mobs that routinely brutalize people suspected of being homosexual.


Jack Gayer writes a regular column for

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